New Strain of Stockholm Syndrome Discovered
"Malmö malady" is here to stay, scientists warn
Researchers at the Uppsala Institute for Benevolent Psychological Warfare have identified a new strain of Stockholm syndrome, they claim. Published in the psychiatric journal Think About It!, their discovery has sent shockwaves through the psychiatrically-inclined community around the globe.
Stockholm syndrome, named after a 1973 bank robbery in said city, causes hostages to identify with, and feel affection for, their captors. The new strain, dubbed the Malmö malady after the city where it was first identified, causes uninterested third parties to feel affection for those who are holding others hostage. The first documented case was an otherwise healthy fifteen-year-old girl who fell madly in love with Dr. Anthony Fauci. "I don't know what I was thinking," she said. "I mean, he's tiny, he looks like a rat, and he's eighty. But like Henry Kissinger said, power is the ultimate aphrodisiac."
The research team was led by Dr. Hedda Thunderberg, who said "Sweden already had herd immunity to the old Stockholm syndrome, that's why we didn't lock down when this silly little flu came along. However, much of the rest of the world went completely insane, developing acute Stockholm syndrome. We were like a little island of mental health. Under that kind of pressure, Stockholm syndrome was bound to mutate into some new variant. Thus the Malmö malady."
Asked if she expects a Nobel Prize, Dr. Thunderberg said "Damn skippy. If we don't get it, you'll know it was the Patriarchy."